A Not So Definitive, Definitive Ranking of All the Seasons of American Horror Story (so far)

Spoiler Alert: This post might contain light spoilers for all of the seasons of American Horror Story, but I really don’t think I’m spoiling anything.

Earlier today I was on FaceTime with my best friend and her youngest sister and the topic of American Horror Story (AHS) came up. My best friend has tried and failed to watch the first episode of the first season of AHS at least three times and honestly I’m a little disappointed, but that’s neither here nor there. The conversation got me to thinking about how I would rank all of the seasons and it made me realize I have some strong opinions about this. I also have a theory that only the odd numbered seasons of AHS are good, but I really hope season 8, “Apocalypse”, proves me wrong because it’s a crossover of my two favorite seasons. Without further ado here is a definitive (aka completely biased) ranking of all of the seasons of AHS ranked from worst to best.

7. Roanoke

TRASH! (This season might not even be that bad, but I did not make it past the second episode.) I was really excited about this season because I think the story of Roanoke is interesting, but the episodes I saw left me bored and confused. I will go back and finish it one day, but for now I will rank this season as the worst.

6. Freak Show

There was a clown that wasn’t even that scary or necessary.  Kathy Bates played a hairy woman and like I don’t even remember her being THAT hairy. It has been years since I’ve seen this, but I genuinely feel like she could have found love and happiness despite the excess hair. Also I will never be over what happened to Ma Petite. That was just rude.  

5. Asylum

There was just entirely way too much going on this season. Aliens, nuns, an asylum, lesbianism as a mental illness, scandals, etc. I remember being thoroughly confused throughout the whole season and never really knowing if there were actually aliens or not. The idea of audience confusion can be a good time and I usually am down for the ride, but I spent the entirety of this season overwhelmed.  

4. Hotel

Lady Gaga made me want to rank this as number 1, but I just couldn’t do it. In the pro column we have: lady gaga, references to the Shining, creepy pale kids, and vampires. In the wtf column we have: a slaughter of fourth graders that was essentially never addressed, vampire orgies, and that thing that came out the mattress in the first episode. I was also unclear on who was actually alive for most of the season, but overall still a solid season of AHS.

3. Cult

This season had a lot going for it. That sister* from The Family (r.i.p The Family) was in it. The lady** that once needed a poop transplant on an episode of Grey’s Anatomy was in it. Tara’s mom*** in True Blood was in it. Cast aside, I loved the plot and storyline of this season. I do have a fascination with cults. I find them both terrifying and intriguing. There was also no shortage of murder or betrayal. The reason this season isn’t ranked higher is because there was no Jessica Lange and no paranormal or supernatural element that I can recall.

*Alison Pill

**Leslie Grossman

***Adina Porter (shoutout to her for her Emmy nomination)

2. Coven

The hardest choice was deciding whether or not to rank coven as number 1 or number 2. At the end it all boiled down to the name of the show. American HORROR Story. “Coven” wasn’t horrifying, it was just good. Who doesn’t love witches and magic? New Orleans?? Stevie Nicks, the white witch??? AND ANGELA BASSETT???? I was destined to love this season. There were definitely a lot of racial injustices and slavery elements that I had forgotten about until today, but it added to the story and stuff like that really happened so we might as well address it. “Coven” was a stellar season and will always be a fave.

Plus we got this gif out of it

1. Murder House

Finally we get to, objectively, the best season of AHS. Feel free to fight me on this. Season 1 will always be the best season. It was definitely the creepiest/scariest and Connie Britton was in it. I also really just love stuff where people be dead but also not dead, if you know what I mean. “Murder House” was probably the darkest season and definitely triggering at points, so it’s not for everybody and I get that. So for those of you that cannot watch this season, you are valid in saying “Coven” is the best season; however, if you’ve seen every season and don’t agree that “Murder House” is the best then we need to talk.

–T